Pain of Passion
by les4love
Summary: Addison works desperately to keep her romance with Olivia strong and stable, but Olivia can do no more than struggle to breath as she pines over her love for Meredith.


Addison smiled at Olivia over the breakfast table and wondered briefly what she was thinking. "Olivia?" She looked up at Addison and raised an eyebrow, waiting on Addison to speak. "I've been thinking about what you asked me, last week? About moving in with you? And I think, yes."

Olivia gave her a small smile and nodded, "I'm very happy you will. You spend all your time at my place anyway. You sure you aren't going to miss your beach-house in California? You're okay with staying here in Seattle?"

Addison closed her eyes for a moment, and then spoke quietly. "I'll miss California, yes, but what is important to me now is you; if you're happy in Seattle then I will stay here, if you want to move back to New York, I can do that too. In fact, I have property in New York; we can make a very happy life with-"

Olivia held her hand up to stop her, "No. I am not moving back to New York, especially not to go live near some country club with your crazy parents."

Addison couldn't help but smile, she never failed to be entertained by Olivia's blunt nature. It was one of the reasons Addison fell in love with her. "Okay, okay. Seattle it is. Besides, Richard offered me a job as head of the neo-natal department at Seattle Grace so it would be stupid of me to leave right now anyway."

Olivia stared out the window, Addison's mention of Seattle Grace created a rushing flood of memories to burst through her mind. She couldn't help but think of the supply closet, the on call room, the beautiful ponytail of hair and hazel eyes that were now gazing at someone other woman. Olivia often felt incredibly stupid for walking away, regardless of the list of reasons she had at the time. She felt even more stupid for asking Addison to move in with her. Olivia wasn't sure she even liked Olivia yet, much less wanted to start a life with her. Olivia gazed at Addison, taking in the image of her bright red hair, perfect makeup, designer clothes that were made to look like shimmering wisps of color draped around thin, pale frames. A stark contrast to the cotton t-shirts and faded blue jeans that clung to Olivia's curved figure. It didn't help that when Olivia took a victim to the hospital, Addison was the one who did the exams. Hopefully working as the neo-natal specialist at Seattle Grace would keep Addison away from Olivia's cases.

"Olivia," Addison's voice trailed into her thoughts, "Are you listening to me?"

Olivia shook her head and apologized. "No, I was lost for a moment there. What were you saying?"

Addison shook her head and sighed, "Nothing, we can talk later. I have to get to work; I'm on Trauma again today."

"When will you be off Trauma, Addison?"

Addison looked at Olivia with sharp, narrow eyes, "Why?"

"I do a very good job of not involving my relationships in my work, which is literally impossible when you're the trauma doctor I bring my victims in to see. So when will you be off trauma?"

Addison shrugged, "Meredith – I mean, Dr. Grey, will take over Trauma next week. That should make things easier for you, although I can't promise you won't still see me around the E.R."

Olivia nodded, "Get to work, I'll see you tonight. I'm off today so I shouldn't be at the hospital."

Addison smiled at Olivia, gave her a sweet peck on the lips and then drifted out of the coffee shop and down the street. Olivia was amazed that Addison still didn't know that she and Meredith used to be a thing. Not just a thing; a very serious, hot, amazingly compatible thing. A thing that Olivia missed more than she could have thought, a thing that Olivia mourned each and every day. Her world was so different without Meredith; it hurt to open her eyes every day, it hurt to breath, it hurt to just live without Meredith. Olivia pressed her eyes closed and let out a deep sigh. She was lucky that a woman like Addison loved her, she was lucky to have her and she was lucky to be able to have the stability that Addison provided. That was the biggest difference between Addison and Meredith; Addison wasn't a roller coaster, she was constant and stable in her emotions, her world was turning at a slow and steady pace and she never seemed to be frantic in her thoughts or emotions. But, in the same way that her consistencies made Olivia want her, it also made Olivia miss Meredith. Meredith's frantic rages and her emotional deficiencies made her passionate, needy and utterly terrifying to Olivia, and that made Olivia love her.

Olivia dropped a tip on the counter and slowly walked out of the shop. She didn't even feel alive; she was a ghost walking amongst the living, the happy, and the utterly perfect population of Seattle. Days like this one, with no work to submerse herself in and no one to keep her mind occupied, Olivia yearned to go to Seattle Grace and hunt down Meredith, convince her that they belonged together, days like this made Olivia feel like Meredith needed to be back in her life. But she turned towards the apartment rather than towards the hospital; Olivia couldn't bring herself to beg, no matter how lost she was. And now, the hospital wasn't a safe place with Addison's beautiful presence around every corner.

Meredith blinked her eyes open and cursed herself for not closing the curtains before going to bed. She looked at the empty place in the bed next to her and furrowed her brow; Kelsey was supposed to be in bed beside her. Meredith rolled herself out of bed and wandered into the kitchen, checking the bathrooms for Kelsey in case she had gotten sick in the middle of the night. This was the trouble with dating a recovering drug addict; you have to constantly be watching, worrying, wondering where they are and what they're doing. But Olivia found her standing in front of the living room door, purse in hand, eyes closed in a deep frown.

"Kelsey?" Meredith approached her slowly, "What are you doing? You aren't even dressed to leave the house."

Kelsey's eyes flew open and she turned to look at Meredith, "I wanted to go find someone." She sighed as she watched Meredith narrow her eyes. "I could just wean myself off, you know? It is so hard, Meredith, you cannot imagine what I'm going through. I just-"

Meredith raised her hand to stop Kelsey from speaking. "I like you, a lot, but I can't do this. I can't talk you out of going out to score every morning. I don't have the time or the energy. Just know that if you start using again, I won't have anything to do with you. I'm a surgeon, I won't stand by and watch you kill yourself and I don't know how to cure drug addicts."

Kelsey stared at Meredith open mouthed for a moment; Meredith didn't talk to her that way and she was a bit shocked. A million thoughts were running through Kelsey's mind, but the biggest one was the pills. She couldn't handle anything without her pills and she didn't think this was the right time in her life to go without them. So she turned, and walked out the door.

Meredith watched her go, open mouthed, but didn't call her back, didn't try and persuade her to stay. She knew where Kelsey was going, and she knew that Kelsey had to want to quit before she would actually do it. She closed the door quietly and walked back to her bedroom. She wasn't on shift that day, but she knew she wouldn't go back to sleep. Meredith slipped on a pair of jeans and shrugged a turtle neck on over her camisole. It was chilly and wet outside, but that was the beauty of Seattle. Meredith couldn't help but wonder if Olivia had stayed in the area. She yearned to dial her number, ask her to come over, but she knew where that would lead and she knew that she would never be able to resist begging Olivia to come back to her. Meredith shook the thought out of her head, reminding herself that Olivia had left her, Olivia had bailed on the relationship, Olivia had moved here for her and then just up and moved out while Meredith was at work one night. No explanation, no notes, to texts or calls, nothing.

She grabbed her car keys and purse and stepped into the moist morning air, closing her eyes to take in the scent of the rain clinging to the grass and the trees. She drove with the windows down, not caring that she was getting the inside of her car wet, not driving with any particular destination in mind. She passed her favorite supermarket, the one that sold homemade ice cream and pulled into the lot. She strolled through the market, just passing the time, but stopped dead in her tracks when a familiar head of hair caught her eye. "Olivia?" She hadn't realized she even said it out loud until Olivia turned around and Meredith could see her breath hitch in her throat.

"Meredith. What are you doing here?"

She shrugged and blinked her frantic thoughts away. "Ice cream."

Olivia gave her a small smile and shrugged back, "A long way from home for ice cream."

Meredith nodded and fought the urge to scream at her, to cry, to jump on her and force her to remember how good they were together. Olivia sighed and shook her head, "I hope you're okay Meredith-"

"No." Meredith cut her off, suddenly feeling angry, "You don't get to do that, you left me alone and now you don't get to hope I'm okay. You don't get to be nice to me and make me miss you and just be you. It isn't fair."

Olivia steeled herself against Meredith's quiet, but strong anger. Then, without a word she held up her hands and walked away, leaving the store without a second look at Meredith.

Meredith stared at her back as she left, amazed that she had run into her, just like that. Amazed that she hadn't returned to New York upon leaving her, amazed that of all the words racing through her mind, the only ones she spoke were out of anger.


End file.
